Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VIII, Squaresoft does, and I don't own the show Love Cruise even though it's not even on television yet.

Final Fantasy Love Cruise
A Reality Fanfiction

Part 3: Attack of the Sugar Bunnies

Commercial:

(Squall is in a kitchen with an apron on that reads 'The Surgeon General says kissing the cook is hazardous to your health' while Rinoa and the rest of the Sorceress Squad (plus Seifer, Fujin, and Raijin) are sitting hungry and bored in the living room. Quite suddenly Squall bursts into song.)

Squall: (singing his little heart out) Five pounds of chocobo sits in my fridge...

Everyone in the living room: (shouting) Squall! What's for dinner?!

Squall: (still singing) ...is the question I hear.

Laguna: (making an entrance on a golden chocobo and singing) Sir, have you tried Old El Esthar brand repast? Just several hours...

Squall: (angry) What are *you* doing here?

(All of the people in the living room run into the kitchen and begin to dance.)

Everyone: (except Squall) Boredom is banished with the first bite!

Squall: (singing but definitely not dancing *or* enjoying it) Thanks to that gaudy gold box.

Everyone: The box is a kit!

Squall: The kit is a hit.

Everyone: (even Squall & Laguna) For dinnertime fun Old El Esthar's the one!

 

Now on with the third episode of Final Fantasy Love Cruise:

Rinoa: (sitting in a chair in Laguna's cabin) Do I look okay, Laguna?

Laguna: (rolling his eyes) For the fifth time, yes! You look fine!

Rinoa: Great! Like they always say, the fifth time's the charm.

Laguna: (blinking in confusion) Don't you mean that the third time's the charm?

Rinoa: Not for me!

Laguna: Okay.... Anyway, since this is the end of the first week how do you feel? Do you like the show so far?

Rinoa: I think it's great! I get a well-earned vacation-

Laguna: Well-earned? What have you done in the past year besides eat, sleep, and attempt to seduce my son?

Rinoa: (twirling her hair around one finger) I learned to say the ABCs backwards and in three different languages. (sees Laguna staring at her in shock) I'm kidding! Can't you take a joke?

Kiros: (off to the side) Obviously not.

Ward: ...

Rinoa: I took classes at the Garden. I can't get into SeeD with me being a Sorceresss and all but I can improve my fighting skills and pick up some advanced math skills.

Laguna: Advanced, eh? What are you taking?

Rinoa: Interactive Mathmatics, course one. We left off at why you should always line up the decimal points in problems concerning money.

(Stunned silence)

Kiros: (slowly so that she could understand) Rinoa dear, that doesn't sound like an advanced class.

Rinoa: What do you mean?

Laguna: Decimal problems sound like grade school math to me. I think you're in a remedial class.

Rinoa: Remedial? But they said that we were intelligent and that all people have problems with math at some point.... (finally figuring it out) Oh. Can you *please* cut this out of the tape?

Laguna: You see that little red light on the television camera? (pointing)

Rinoa: Yeah?

Laguna: It means that we're on. Live. Twelve million people have just discovered that you're taking LD classes. How do you feel about that?

Rinoa: (angry) How do you think I feel about that? (wailing) Now everyone is going to be thinking that I'm stupid!

Kiros: (muttering sarcastically) As if they didn't think that already.

Rinoa: (jumping to her feet and running from the room) SQUALL!

(Outside Squall hears her coming and ducks around a corner just before she exits. He sighs in relief as she speeds past in the opposite direction and disappears into Laguna's cabin for his interview.)

Squall: Make this quick. I have a scheduled a card game with Xu in fifteen minutes.

Laguna: Is that all you do? Play cards?

Squall: (shrugging) Just something to do. Besides, Xu's so easy to beat I'm now aiming to acquire at least two of each Triple Triad Card. Zell's also pretty pathetic at it. Belive it or not, Matron's the best card player in the world.

Laguna: Have you seen Cid and Edea much on this trip? Everytime I want to interview them I can never find them.

Squall: (blushing very faintly) Have you tried their cabin? I don't want to think about what they could do in there but that would seem the most logical choice.

Laguna: Ah. I see. So Squall, what do you think of this trip so far?

Squall: I find that there are tons of places to hide from Rinoa on board. Seifer and I have actually become closer because of it.

Laguna: What do you mean?

Squall: Every day we share new places to hide from her. The girl needs to get a life.

Rinoa: (shrieking like Relena Peacecraft) SQUAAAAALL! Where are yooooou?! You can come out now Squaaaall! Oh Seifer!

Seifer: No! Let go of me! I am not your teddy bear! Someone get this crazy woman away from me!

Squall: (feeling sorry for Seifer) I have to go help. Rinoa's Stalked have to stick together you know.

Laguna: (in an completely unknowing tone of voice) Yeah. I know. Send in the next person.

Squall: Sure. Whatever. (flinging open the door) SEIFER! I'll get the tranquilizer darts! This time I'll knock her out for half a day!

(Selphie slips in before anyone else notices and shuts the door. Once free of Irvine she pulls out a paper bag filled with *something* and begans to pace rapidly around the room.)

Selphie: (very quickly) How ya doin', Sir Laguna! I'm fine! Isn't today a very great day?!

Laguna: (concerned) Selphie? Are you on something?

Selphie: Nope. I'm not doin' drugs or any of that icky mega bummer uncool illegial stuff. It's these things I found out that the ship's cook can make! (she held up a pink confection) They're called sugar bunnies and they're really, really, really, really-

Laguna: (trying to stop her) Selphie...

Selphie: (continuing) -really, really, really-

Laguna: SELPHIE!

Selphie: (still continuing) -really, really, good! Yep they sure are!

Laguna: (meaning the exact opposite) That's nice. Anyway Selphie, how are you enjoying the trip?

Selphie: The ship is great but my boyfriend Irvine is a big meanie! He never wants to do what I want to do but all he wants to do is look at other girls and flirt with them! Everytime I talk to him about that he says that he's gonna stop but I know he's lying 'cause I have spies all over this boat! They tell me he's making dates with these girls and I don't know how to stop him! (she stuffs five more sugar bunnies into her mouth and now begins to skip around the medium-sized cabin)

Laguna: There are six females on the boat, Selphie, not counting you. Which one do you think he wants?

Selphie: (sulking but still talking quickly) All of them! Irvine can't get enough of girls! But you know what? I've never seen him after Rinoa! I wonder why... Anyway, (beginning to speak even faster) IrvineisabigloserandI'mbeginningtoreallyhatehim!

Kiros: Selphie, Give. Me. That. Sugar.

Selphie: (hugging the bag close to her chest) NO! Don'ttakethemawayfromme! Ihaven'tdoneanythingwrong!

(Irvine opens the door and shakes his head sadly as his girlfriend.)

Irvine: Sephie, c'mon. Give Kiros the sugar.

Selphie: (dramatically) NEVER! YOU'LL NEVER GET THEM AS LONG AS I LIVE! (she ducks behind Irivine and runs from the room shouting) LARGO VIVO LOS AZÚCAR CONEJITOS¹!

Irvine: (sighing and following) I hate it when she gets bilingual.

(Laguna peeks out into the hallway and saw that everyone else had gotten tired of waiting for their turn and left. Edea comes down the hallway and Laguna's smiled at her.)

Laguna: (happily) Just the person I want to see! Do you want to do your interview now?

Edea: (smiling) Why not? Cid is busy at the moment and I would be bored by myself.

Laguna: Good! You can have a seat in that chair and we can get started. Edea, where are you and Cid? No one seems to be able to locate you all that much.

Edea: (blushing) It's a *long* story that I'm sure everyone out there at home doesn't want to hear.

Laguna: You're much too modest. You and I both know that most of these people don't have lives.

Edea: Cid and I haven't been spending much time together lately because he's always busy at Balamb Garden. I became a teacher so that I would have something to do but running a school is *very* hard work and I can't ask Squall to help. He needs to find himself.

Kiros: That's an excuse.

Edea: Excuse me?

Kiros: Does Squall look like he's lost to you? He has friends, he has fun, sort of, and he's a SeeD. That's not the reason.

Edea: Squall has had a very tough life.

Kiros: That's still not the reason.

Edea: (exhaling noisily) I don't think Squall can handle the responsibility. Sure, he's a very good SeeD but Squall is only good at taking orders, not giving them. He'll make a good subordinate but not a leader.

Laguna: (butting in) Yet Cid made him the Commander of Balamb Garden. Was that the wisest move he could have made?

Edea: At the time I thought that it may help Squall find his center. It's good that he's able to follow instructions to the letter but that's not all he should be good at. He led the SeeD's, Rinoa, and Irvine to victory against Sorceress Ultimecia but that may have been just a fluke.

(Before they could finish the interview, the door bangs open and Zell stands in the doorway with a pair of pink panties on his head.)

Zell: (shouting) PARTY ON THE DECK! (he grins and continues to run down the hallway)

Laguna: (running after Zell) I'm in! Don't leave me here! I want to get my groove on!

Kiros: There goes the world's oldest teenager. I better go after him for damage control.

Ward: ...

Kiros: (sighing) Hangover tomorrow? Count on it.

(Scene opens on the deck where a semi-drunk Zell is trying to dance with every female out there. Selphie is trying to stay away from Irvine and eat her candy while Rinoa is pursuing both Squall and Seifer. The girl from the library decided to give Zell one more chance and is currently dancing with Zell.)

Zell: (shouting) The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire!

GFL, Quistis, Laguna, Nida, Xu, and Raijin: We don't need no water!

Zell: Let the-

Cid: (interrupting with a frown) Don't even say it.

Zell: -burn.

Selphie: Zell! Since you're my super duper mega cool best-friend I'm gonna let you eat some of my ultra cool sugar bunnies! (she holds the bag out to him) Ya want some?

Zell: (excitedly) Thanks Selphie! (he grabs a whole hand full)

Irvine: (wailing in horror at the madness to come) Oh Goddess no!

Zell: (at the top of his voice) THANKS MY ULTRA COOL BEST-FRIEND SELPHIE!

Selphie: YOU'RE WELCOME MY ULTRA COOL BEST-FRIEND ZELL!

Zell: (beginning to bounce in place) YawannadanceSelphie?

Selphie: (also beginning to bounce in place) OfcourseIdoZell!

Squall: (getting desperate) Look Rinoa! There's your mother!

Rinoa: (falling for it) Where? Mommy!

Squall: (grabbing Seifer's hand) C'mon! I found a new hiding place in the hold.

(They run to the stairs before Rinoa turns around.)

Rinoa: (noticing her objects of adoration were gone) Seifer? Squall? Where are you guys?

Selphie: Rinoa! Theyescapeddownthestairs!

Zell: YEAH! THEY ESCAPED!

Nida: (shyly to Edea) Um Mrs. Kramer, will you dance with me?

Edea: (smiling and taking his head) Of course, Nida.

Xu: (shouting to him and a little tipsy) You'll hit on anything female won't you?

Selphie: (shouting) NO! THAT'S IRVINE!

Irvine: Excuse me? I do not hit on every single female I meet! (A cleaning woman begans to pick up the many discarded paper cups from the deck. Irvine makes his way over and give her a big grin.) How ya doin'?

Selphie: ARGH! (she grabs Zell's hand) C'MON ZELL! LET'S GET DRUNK NOW!

Zell: (slightly dazed) But I'm already drunk... (she drags him off anyway and Ward turns the camera to Quistis who is leaning against the railing)

Quistis: Can you please get that thing off of me? I'm dateless and not drunk so therefore I'm not interesting.

Raijin: Quisty? (she raises her eyebrow at the nickname) What's wrong?

Quistis: This is definitely not my kind of party. I'm more of a formal wine and dine type of person.

Raijin: You need to loosen up some! (he grins) Look at Fuj, she's loose.

Fujin: (glaring at him) If you don't shut up I will throw you over the side.

Raijin: Ya see? She's speaking in full sentences!

Fujin: (kicking him in the shin) RAGE! RAIJIN DIE! (she continues to kick him until Raijin runs away)

Quistis: (calling after him) Well that didn't last long!

Will Rinoa ever catch up to Squall and Seifer? Will Quistis learn how to act nineteen instead of forty-five? What about Nida? Will he ever get a girl? And Selphie and Zell? Will they come down from their sugar highs? The answers to these questions and more on the next *very* exciting episode of Final Fantasy Love Cruise!

¹Spanish for: Long live the Sugar Bunnies!