Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VIII, Squaresoft does, and I don't own the show Love Cruise even though it's not even on television yet.

Oh by the way, I got the reality fanfiction humor idea from Galaxy Girl's "Big Brother Darunia".

Final Fantasy Love Cruise
A Reality Fanfiction

Part 2: Squall's Drunken Misadventure

Commercial:

(Scene: Zell is sitting on a bench at a bustop and begins to talk to the people waiting there with him.)

Zell: (dully and in a southern accent) Hi. My name is Zell, Zell Dincht.

Woman On Right: (nodding) Hi Zell.

Zell: My Ma always told me life was like a carton of milk. When you open it you never know if it's rancid or not.

Woman: (nodding) Um, wise woman.

Zell: I used to be a SeeD at Balamb Garden back when Sorceress Ultimecia tried to rule the world, I helped save it.

Man On Left: (sarcastic) I'm sure you did. (Before Zell can answer the bus come around the corner and stops in front of them. Both the man and the woman get on but the bus begins to pull off just as Zell stands.)

Woman: (shouting out of her window) RUN, ZELL, RUN!

(Zell runs clumsily after the bus and then trips in falls in the middle of the street. A pickup truck about three blocks away suddenly accelerates and Seifer's insane face screams out of the driver's side window.)

Seifer: (shrieking) DIE, ZELL, DIE! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Zell: (screaming and throwing up his hands) No! Ma save me!

(The screen goes black just as the car hits him. A few words appear on the screen.)

Zell Dincht is Zell Dincht in Zell Dincht: Man of Boredom.

(new words)

Coming to a theater hopefully never.

On with the show:

Laguna: (walking down the hall towards the cabins) When we last left everyone Day One had just passed for our fourteen contestants. Let's see how they feel early this morning, shall we? (knocks in Seifer's door and it opens slightly)

Laguna: (sticking his head inside) Seifer? Can I have a few words this morning?

Seifer: (Mumbles something and rolls over. He notices he's not supposed to be in bed with anyone and immediately wakes up.) WHAT THE HELL?!

Rinoa: (mumbling and holding Seifer closer) Squall, just five m're minutes. Dun know why you get up so early anyway...

Seifer: (pushing her away) GET AWAY FROM ME!!

Laguna: This looks like a bad time.

Seifer: (sarcastically) Ya think?

Laguna: So I'll just come back in a few minutes. (he's forced to jump aside as Seifer picks up Rinoa and exits the room only to dumps her in front of Squall's cabin door)

Seifer: Puberty Boy! Something of yours was cuddling with me last night! I would appreciate it if you take her back now!

Squall: (muffled) That's okay, you can have her.

Seifer: (almost whining) But I don't want her!

Rinoa: (still asleep) Squall, you didn't know. You were drunk...

Seifer: (stopping with his mouth open) What did she say?!

Squall: (screaming but it's still muffled) NOOOOOOOO! (he yanks open the door and since Rinoa's against it, she falls over and cracks her head on the floor)

Rinoa: (waking up) What the hell just happened? Why am I out here in the hallway?

Seifer: (sweetly) Rinoa, dear, what did Squall do when he was drunk?

Rinoa: (just as sweetly) I can't tell you that, Squally-Poo made me promise.

Squall: (relieved) Thank Hyne.

Rinoa: (continuing) But if you do something for me, I'll tell you.

Squall: Huh?

Seifer: (very eager to hear) Yes, anything!

Rinoa: (grinning) Well...

(Scene: We see Rinoa making a purchase at the single clothing store aboard the ship. She hands the bag over to Seifer who, after looking inside, blushes heavily.)

Seifer: I can't wear this!

Rinoa: You will if you want to know what happened. (he sighs and finally nods) Good! Now, I'll be on the deck waiting for you.

Seifer: (regretting the whole thing) Sure Rinoa, whatever you say.

(Rinoa skips down the hall and into her cabin to change into her swimsuit and Seifer went into his cabin.)

Seifer: (muttering) This better be worth it.

(Five minutes goes by and suddenly there's a loud yell from inside his cabin.)

Seifer: I AM SO NOT WEARING THIS THING!

Rinoa: (calling from her room) You want to know, don't you?

(Another five minutes goes by and Seifer sticks his head around the door. Rinoa is standing in front of it.)

Rinoa: I wanted to see how you look.

Seifer: (stepping out into the hall and closing the door) Goddess, Rinoa. Why do you like these things so much?

Rinoa: (shrugging) Don't know but you look *really* sexy in it.

(Seifer has on a tiger print thong and that's basically it. Rinoa hands him a fan and a plastic container of grapes.)

Rinoa: This has been a fantasy of mine for a long time. Having a sexy man fanning me and feeding me grapes. Well you have more muscles than Squall so you look better in a thong than he would.

Seifer: (shuddering) Don't put that image into my mind! Please!

Rinoa: Well... (she reaches up and snaps a collar around his neck and then attaches a leash) Let's go.

Seifer: (protesting) You didn't say anything about this before!

Rinoa: You wanna find out or not?

Seifer: (growling) I want to know.

Rinoa: Then let's go!

(Scene: The pool. Raijin is trying to dunk everyone and Fujin is trying to drown him. Quistis is now reading a book and Xu and Squall are once again playing cards. Laguna is snoring in a chaise lounge. Rinoa comes into the area and everyone sees Seifer following her. Then they all burst into laughter.)

Xu: (whistling) You look good Seifer!

Squall: At least someone finally has you on a leash where you belong. (Seifer tries to lunge at him but Rinoa's yanks him back almost choking him to death.)

Raijin: Seifer! Your ass is showin', ya know?

Fujin: (smacks him) SUPPOSED TO SHOW. IDIOT.

Raijin: Oh. (eyes widen) OH!

Zell: (falling backwards into the pool) I'm blinded! Put it away!

(Selphie giggles and pinches Seifer on his ass as she passes by. Irvine rolls his eyes and follows her. Seifer's hands immediately goes to cover himself up.)

Seifer: Oh that's it. (Rinoa leads him over and forces him to kneel beside her) THIS IS IT!

Rinoa: (blinking) What? What's it?

Seifer: The Messenger Girl just pinched me on my ass you idiot! I know I'm fine and all but geez!

Rinoa: (scolding Selphie) I'm the only one allowed to touch him that way.

Selphie: Sure, Rinoa. Sorry.

Rinoa: But you may pat him on the head and give him a treat.

Seifer: I AM NOT A DOG!

Squall: You sure look like one.

Laguna: (wakes up and sees Seifer's ass.) What did I miss?! What did I miss?!

Kiros: (shaking his head at the madness) A lot.

Ward: ...

Laguna: Seifer is Rinoa's slave? (he runs over to Seifer, mike extended) A few words about how you feel.

Seifer: I just did this to find out what Squall did when he was drunk! Now Rinoa has me nearly naked and feeding her grapes! I really hate this. (he turns so that everyone at the pool can't see his ass)

Selphie and Girl From Library: (singing) Let me see that thong!

Irvine: (whining) Selphie! You're supposed to be *my* girlfriend!

Selphie: So what you're saying is that you can look at other women and I can't look at other men?

Irvine: (smiling) Exactly! Finally you know where I'm coming from.

Squall: And you're an idiot for saying that.

Selphie: YOU'RE AN IDIOT IRVINE!

Squall: (not even looking up) See, I told you. Xu, come on! You have to draw a card first.

Xu: These rules are stupid.

Squall: No they are not! See, once you draw a card you have to attach energy to your active Pokemon or benched Pokemon but you can attach only one energy card per turn. You can evolve a a Pokemon though.

Xu: You have to do a lot just to play a game of Pokemon, Squall.

Squall: I know but it's fun!

Xu: (in a bored voice) Fine. I drew a card, I attached water energy, I attacked your Ekans with my Rattata's Bite and did twenty damage. Your turn.

Squall: I drew a card, and used a potion on my Ekans to heal twenty hit points, then I attached grass energy and used Posion. Hey! Does anybody have a coin?

Seifer: Please just tell me now and spare this cruel torture! I know you're not evil!

Rinoa: Forget about being evil, I just like seeing you like that.

Zell: (shouting) Me too!

(Everyone turns to look at him with various expressions of surprise, disgust, and amusement. He realizes what that made him sound like and blushes.)

Zell: I meant I like seeing him in a collar and catering to Rinoa's every whim. Geez get your minds out of the gutter!

Fujin: DOES LOOK RIDICULOUS.

Seifer: (begging by now) Please! Please just tell me and stop this madness!

Rinoa: (ignoring him and talking to Nida) Then I told him that's not a gorilla it's his mother!

Nida: (laughing) You're really funny, Rinoa.

Squall: (shouting) You can't evolve a Pokemon when you just placed it on the bench!

Xu: (shouting even louder) THEN WHAT *CAN* I DO, SQUALL?!

Squall: (muttering) Forget it, this isn't working. We can go back to Triple Triad. (he gathers up all of his cards (he and Xu are playing from one deck) and puts them away. Then each of them take out a triple triad deck and draw their cards.)

Xu: Thank you. Goddess, Squall I have no idea why we can't play this all of the time.

Squall: Because I'm tired of it, that's why.

Laguna: (motioning Ward to move the camera over to the card game) How are you doing, son?

Squall: (automatic) Don't call me son.

Laguna: Riiiight. Anyway, do you think you're going to win this game?

Squall: I am the master of Triple Triad, Tetra Master, Pokemon, and poker. I. Will. Win.

Xu: So confident! (she places the last card into its spot and grins) I win.

Squall: (eyes wide) You did? (he checks, double checks, and even triple checks) You did!

Xu: (jumping to her feet and dancing) I beat Squall! I beat Squall! Yeah!

Squall: (sad) I feel like a failure.

Rinoa: (baby voice) Aw! Come over here and let Rin-Rin make you feel all better!

Squall: (in disgust) Ew! No!

Quistis: (closing her book) Well, I'm tired of this. Who wants to eat lunch?

Zell: (climbing out of the pool) I do! Lots of hotdogs!

Seifer: Me too. Anything to rid me of this nightmare. (he starts to go back to the room and change)

Rinoa: Where do you think you're going?

Seifer: I'm not eating a meal dressing in nothing more than something that resembles underwear! Besides, I have a really bad wedgie I need to correct. It's irritating me! (he begans to pick at his thong)

Irvine: Take that somewhere else Seifer!

Squall: We don't want to look at you dig in your ass while we eat.

Seifer: (begging) Please let me change Rinoa!

Rinoa: No I will not. Now come along, Seifey.

Seifer: Seifey?! (he groans) All this to find out how Squall humiliated himself while he was drunk.

Zell: Squall got drunk?

Quistis: When?

Rinoa: Oh it was about two weeks ago at a party in Timber I dragged him off to. That party was da bomb!

Zell: (eager for details) What happened?

Rinoa: Now I can't tell you that. Maybe when I'm done with Seifer at dinner tonight.

Squall: (hopeful) Can't we forget it ever happened?

Rinoa: Of course not! It was the most insane thing you've ever done! I brought some pictures with me, if ya'll wanna see.

Squall: You were *wating* for the time to tell everyone weren't you?!

Rinoa: (shakes her head) Nope. I just like bringing them with me because they crack me up.

Squall: You are a bitch, do you know that?

Rinoa: Sure I know and that's what you love about me.

Squall: I don't love you! Hell, I barely even like you. At first you were okay but then you got clingy and possessive. You wouldn't be someone I would marry, that's for sure.

Rinoa: (not paying attention) So Selphie, you want to feed him? He's a well-mannered slave boy and doesn't even bite.

Seifer: (glaring) Just try me. What Squall did better be worth all of his humiliation.

(Scene is dinner. Seifer has been following Rinoa all day and Cid and Edea finally show up. Seifer has his head in Rinoa's lap all through the meal (just like at lunch) and Rinoa occasionally pets him while she chats with everyone. Squall is sitting on her other side debating between murdering her and dumping the body overboard or casting silence on her. He's strongly leaning towards the former.)

Rinoa: (finishing her meal) Now the moment everyone's been waiting for!

Seifer: Yeah?

Rinoa: (reaching into her purse and pulling out some pictures) Let me tell you the story first. Two weeks ago one of my friends in Timber was throwing a wild party and everyone cool from both Deling City and Timber were going to be there. But it was definitely uncool if you didn't show up with a date. So I took Squall who sat by the punch bowl the entire night. The thing was he didn't know it was spiked so he kept drinking more and more of the stuff because it was making him extremely thirsty. (She showed up the first couple of pics in her stack (they're in order of how Squall progressed in his drunken state). There's Squall by the punch bowl with about seven cups next to him.) I was dancing for about twenty minutes and when I came back, Squall's eyes were all bloodshot. (she showed another picture) So I said, 'Squall? Are you okay?' and he looked at me and kept blinking because he couldn't focus his eyes right and said, 'Rinoa? Ish that you? Who'sh that other girl with you? I didn't know you had a twin!'.

(Everyone snickers at this and Squall's blush becomes even more pronounced.)

Rinoa: And so I told Squall not to drink anymore and went off to dance again when someone asked me.

Quistis: (frowning) You just left him there in his inebriated state? What sort of girlfriend are you?!

Squall: Not a very good one.

Seifer: Is that all he did? You made me do this for that?!

Rinoa: Uh *no*. Why do you think I have all these pictures left over? (Squall, fearing the story since he can't remember most of it, jumps up and leaves the buffet)

Irvine: Why did you have a camera again?

Rinoa: There's always someone acting stupid because they're drunk at a party. How was I supposed to know it would be Squall? Anyway, after I went back over to the punch bowl he was gone! So then I searched for him and found in my friend's dining room on the table stripping for everyone. (she showed the pic, they laughed) I tried to talk him down off the table but then he claimed he had Acrophobia and started screaming like a little girl. I had to get three huge men to pick him up and bring him down. Once he was on the ground he said he had to pee so I had to take him to the bathroom. Fifteen minutes later he was still in there and there was a heck of a long line outside. I opened the door to find him trying to get the toliet paper to stick to the ceiling like they tried to do in elementary school. (she showed a few more pictures) And that was just the beginning.

Seifer: (laughing so hard tears are running down his cheeks) This is *so* worth all of my humiliation!

Zell: Yeah I mean, Squall is a idiot when he's drunk.

Rinoa: Just wait until we started to go back to our hotel.

Seifer: What happened then?

Rinoa: In addition to conversating with the lamp posts Squall started to sing show tunes. I'm talking songs from all kinds of musicals: Rent, Annie, The Sound of Music. He was even dancing up and down the street. That is he *was* dancing until he slipped in a puddle and landed on his ass. (she showed both the before and after pictures) Then there was that tattoo parlor.

Squall: (yelling from outside) Don't tell that! Please don't!

Quistis: (slightly disapproving) Squall got a tattoo.

Rinoa: Yeah. (she has only two pictures left) Squally-poo got two tattoos, one one each ass cheek. One says, 'Rinoa's Love Slave' and the other... (pause) It says...

Seifer: (sensing it leads up to something great) Yes?

Rinoa: It says...

Seifer: YES?!

Rinoa: Seifer is the ultimate warrior. (she proves it by showing the last two pics)

(Huge gasp)

Seifer: You're kidding? (goofy smile) It says I'm the ultimate warrior huh. I'm so happy!

Squall: (hysterical) Why? Oh why did she have to do that to me?

Laguna: (shaking his head) And so ends the madness that is this episode. What will Squall and Rinoa do? Will they remain a couple or will Squall find someone who doesn't humiliate him in front of a lot of other people. What about Seifer? Is Rinoa ever going to leave him alone? Stay tuned to the answers to these (and never before seen cast interviews!) on the next Final Fantasy Love Cruise.

By the way, in the last ep. there was a poll. Who do you think is the couple that will last until the end? I want your answers in the reviews people!