~Aug. 26, 2001~

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VIII, Squaresoft does, and I don't own the show Love Cruise even though it's not even on television yet.

Notes: Takes place a year from the defeat of Ultimecia. Everyone's eighteen except four people who are older.

Warnings: Stupid humor, OCCness, and Rinoa bashing. Don't complain when you read this and it isn't even funny. You have been warned.

Final Fantasy Love Cruise
A Reality Fanfiction

Part 1: Getting Settled

Commercial:

(Squall, Rinoa, Zell, and Selphie are sitting at a table in the cafeteria eating a bowl of cereal. Suddenly a large potted plant begins to move across the room when Zell looked over it stopped.)

Zell: Do you guys see that?

Selphie: (looking) See what? All I see is a plant.

Zell: That's my point! It wasn't there a few minutes ago!

Rinoa: Zell, calm down. You're seeing things.

Zell: I guess...

(As soon as they go back to eating breakfast, the plant begins to move again until it's right next to the table. Zell looks up from his bowl and falls out of his chair in surprise.)

Zell: That plant's moving! I swear it!

Squall: That's it, you're going to see Dr. Kadowaki. I don't want an insane person on my team.

(Zell didn't answer but suddenly a hand shot out of the large plant and snatched the box of cereal! Rinoa and Selphie jumped away but Squall just casually reached over hit the hand with his fist. The box falls back onto the table.)

Squall: (huge fake smile) Silly Sefier! SeeD Crunchies are only for SeeDs!

Seifer: (sticking his head out of his plant) Rinoa's not a SeeD.

Squall: Fine then. Silly Seifer! SeeD Crunchies are for everyone *but* you!

Seifer: Aw nuts!

 

Now on to the show:

(A large white ship named the S.S. Ragnarok is docked at Balamb Harbor. Hundreds of people from all over have turned out to bid farewell to the fourteen contestants. Laguna has a microphone and is standing next to the gangplank while Ward has a television camera and Kiros a clipboard. The contestants are in line, waiting to board the ship.)

Laguna: Hello and welcome to the first ever episode of Love Cruise! I'm your host, Laguna Loire, and these are my helpers Kiros and Ward. Fourteen contestants qualify for our game show and only four are coupled up. They get to spend at least five wonderful weeks out there on the ocean and I will be their link to the outside world. Who do you think will be coupled at the end of our show? Will it be the already established relationship of Squall and Rinoa or Edea and Cid? How about a brand new couple? Right now we get to interview the contestants as they get on the ship.

Squall: (walking up to him) I have nothing to say.

Laguna: But son, aren't you happy about all of this? I mean, this ship is worth a fortune!

Squall: Rinoa forced me onto this idiotic gameshow. I could be back at Garden practicing my gunblade or ordering people around. I don't have time for this. (he glares at Laguna) And don't call me son.

Laguna: Okay.... Rinoa, what about you?

Rinoa: I am so psyched! This is gonna be so great!

Laguna: What do you look forward to the most?

Rinoa: Swimming in that huge pool this ship is supposed to have. I bought a brand-new string bikini and thong combination just for the occasion. (she begins to pull her shirt of her head) Do you wanna see it?

Laguna: Uh, no. That's okay. Moving on... What about you, Quistis?

Quistis: (smiling) This is a great way to relax. Ever since I got my teacher's license back those kids have been driving me insane! Besides, this is a great way to get a man.

Laguna: Sure it is. What do you look forward to the most Zell?

Zell: That girl from the library is *so* hot! Coming on this show gives me the time to make my move.

Laguna: Oh? What's her name, Zell?

Zell: Um, I have no idea. But that's one of the things I'm gonna find out!

Laguna: (shaking his head at his stupidity) Go on aboard Zell, before you hurt yourself.

(Suddenly there were two loud whistle blasts and the ship began to move forward slowly. The rest of the contestants ran up the gangplank and jumped aboard the boat. Laguna stood in his spot, completely dumbfounded for a moment, and then he and his crew grabbed their equipment and made it aboard just in time.)

Laguna: That damn captain! I told him to leave at noon!

Kiros: Laguna, it's five after noon. He gave you extra time.

Ward: ...

Laguna: My interviews took too long? Hmm. I didn't even get to everyone. (he grabbed one of the people passing him on the deck and shoved his microphone into their face) Comment for the show?

Irvine: Sure. I just want to say hi to all the sexy ladies and tell them that I'm one of the famous Sorceress Killers from the year before.

(Laguna moves the mike away, shaking his head.)

Laguna: I need to find someone with *interesting* comments.

Irvine: (shouting and trying to get onto the film) I go to Balamb Garden! I'm Squall Leonhart's best-friend!

Squall: Whatever.

Rinoa: Hi Seifer! I didn't know you were going to be here.

Seifer: I was at the dock just like you were.

Rinoa: But still...

Seifer: We were at the same final interview!

Rinoa: I still didn't know. I thought you worked for them or something.

Seifer: Argh! (walking off in frustration towards the buffet)

Quistis: (walking up to Squall and forcing Rinoa out of the way) You know, Squall, this is a very nice ship.

Squall: ...

Quistis: I could... show you around it.

Squall: (blinking) Why?

Quistis: (can't believe he doesn't get it) Are you serious?!

Squall: Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?

(Quistis stares at him a little while longer and joins Seifer at the buffet muttering 'dense idiot' underneath her breath. Rinoa stuck out her tongue at the Instructor's back and grabbed Squall's arm.)

Rinoa: Do you want to go to our room?

Squall: Rinoa, it's the middle of the day. I'm not tired.

Rinoa: (trying to wink but blinks instead) We don't have to sleep. There are plenty of other things to do, if you know what I mean.

Squall: No, I don't. Rinoa, why are you doing that? Do you have something in your eyes?

(Rinoa is now fed up with Squall and walks over to Seifer and begins to flirt. Squall is left on the deck by himself. Edea and Cid walks by hand-in-hand and stops next to Squall at the rail to gaze out onto the water.)

Edea: Cid dear, isn't this just a wonderful day?

Cid: It sure is, honey pot.

Squall: Do you two have to do that here?

Edea: Do what, Squall?

Squall: Be all sappy and lovey-dovey.

Cid: (rolling his eyes) This show's called The Love Cruise. Didn't you know that?

Squall: (eyes wide) No! I have to speak with Rinoa! (he took off for the buffet)

Edea: That Squall. He isn't too observant, is he?

Cid: Nope.

(Scene: the All-You-Can-Eat Buffet. Seifer just got his plate full and is about to sit down. Rinoa runs over to him and takes the seat across from him.)

Rinoa: Hi Seifer. You're looking well.

Seifer: Yeah? So?

Rinoa: (giggling) Oh Seifer! You're so funny!

(Raijin and Fujin sit down in the two remaining chairs. Fujin takes one look at the still giggling Rinoa and twirl her finger around the side of her head.)

Fujin: RINOA. INSANE.

Raijin: Naw. Just silly, ya know?

Seifer: No, I don't know and I don't wish to know.

(Meanwhile at the hotdog section of the buffet, Zell is piling them on his plate. The girl from the library walks up to him and smiles.)

GFL: Hi Zell.

Zell: (stuffing hotdogs into his mouth) HM.

GFL: Can I talk to you over there at that table? I want to ask you something.

Zell: (tries to swallow but of course he begins to choke) MMPH! MMPH!

GFL: (panicking) What's wrong?!

(Quistis and Selphie run over and pound him on the back.)

Quistis: (administering the Heimlich) Goddess, Zell! The same exact thing happened at the celebration party last year! (a large chunk of hotdog flew out of his mouth and hit the wall behind the girl from the library's head)

GFL: (completely disgusted) I was going to give you another chance, but forget it.

Zell: Wait, um Girl! Wait! (He runs after her and trips next to Seifer's table. Everyone in the room starts laughing at him and he blushes.)

GFL: (turning around) You are such a loser!

Zell: (pounding the ground with his fists) Aw man!

Seifer: (pushes his plate away and stands up over Zell) When I get your girl, Chicken-Wuss, she'll know what a real man is like.

Zell: (growling) Don't you dare try to pick her up Seifer!

Seifer: (smirking as he follows GFL from the buffet) Just watch me.

(It's an hour later and everyone is by the pool. Rinoa is in her tiny, barely there white bikini and is trying to get Squall to rub suntan lotion on her back.)

Rinoa: (pouting) You don't want me to get a sunburn on my back, now do you?

Squall: (reading his Gunblade Magazine and not even listening) Have you seen the newest gunblade model? I could turn Seifer into cold-cuts with this!

Rinoa: (now whining) SQUALL!

(Nida walks up shyly to Rinoa and sits on the edge of her chaise lounge.)

Nida: I'll do it for you, Rinoa. If you'll let me.

Rinoa: (now royaly pissed off at Squall) Sure Nida, why not?

Squall: (looking over at them) I didn't know you were on this show, Nida.

Nida: Yes, Commander. I wanted to take a break from piloting the garden.

(Squall nods absently and gets back to his magazine. Seifer, in brightly printed swim trunks, does a cannon ball from the diving board. The water splashes directly onto Squall, his magazine, Rinoa, and Nida.)

Squall: (jumping to his feet) You bastard!

Seifer: (coming to the surface and smirking) Did I do that? Oops.

Squall: (dropping his wet magazine into his chair and putting on his nose clip, his goggles, and his swimming cap) I'm going to get you back for that. (he jumps into the water and dunks Seifer)

(Laguna comes and takes Squall's vacated chair but not after he throws his magazine into a nearby trash can)

Laguna: (sticking his mike into her face) What is going on between you and Squall?

Rinoa: (smiling sweetly) Well I- (remembers Nida and shoves him away) Go somewhere else for a while, alright? Laguna and I have business to attend to.

(Nida looks disappointed but he soon spots Quistis tanning herself on the other side of the pool.)

Rinoa: I love Squall. In fact I want to have his children. The thing is the boy is extremely dense. I keep coming on to him, trying to get him in bed but he either doesn't understand or ignores me completely!

Laguna: Does Squall even want to be with you?

Rinoa: Of course he does! (she moves her hands to display her "features") Who wouldn't? If I were a man, I would want to be with me.

Laguna: Uh, sure you would.

Rinoa: My newest plan is to make Squall jealous enough to make a move. So therefore I'm going to flirt with anything male on this boat.

Laguna: Wouldn't that make people think you were a slut?

Rinoa: (rolling her eyes) Do I look like a slut to you?

Laguna: Um...

Rinoa: Nevermind, don't answer that. If Squall doesn't eventually realize how wonderful a girlfriend I am, then I'm going to seduce Seifer. We were an item once, you know, we can be one again.

Laguna: Would you mind if I asked you to tell everyone why you and Seifer broke up? Many people have been wondering about that.

Rinoa: It's like this: Seifer may be all talk but when it came down to it, he wouldn't sleep with me.

Laguna: Uh huh. Go on.

Rinoa: He said all this crap about waiting for marriage and finding the right woman. I'm the perfect woman for him! We're soulmates!

Laguna: Obviously not since you two are no longer dating.

Rinoa: That's a small deal. See, Squall and I are soulmates too. Now if only I can get him in the sack...

Laguna: (tired of listening to her bring that up) Have you ever seen a therapist before?

Rinoa: No, why? Do you think I'm insane or something?

Laguna: No but I think you're obsessed with sex. They call you nymphomaniacs.

Rinoa: I'm not obsessed. I just think that you should have it every day.

Laguna: (walking off towards Quistis) Yeah, sure.

Rinoa: (shouting after him) It's true!

(Quistis is sunning herself on a beach blanket, far enough away from the water that she's not getting splashed. She has on an extremely conservative one piece navy swimsuit and black sunglasses. Laguna kneels next to her and she looks up.)

Laguna: Do you mind answering a few questions?

Quistis: (smiling at him) Not at all.

Laguna: Who are you trying to hook up with on this cruise?

Quistis: (looking around then lowering her voice) Squall, of course.

Laguna: What is it about him?

Quistis: (sitting up on her elbows) What do you mean 'what is it about him'?

Laguna: I mean Rinoa was just telling me about how she wanted to have his children...

(Before he could barely get the words out of his mouth, Quistis jumped to her feet and headed over to where Rinoa was still lying on her stomach.)

Quistis: (yelling) You little slut!

Rinoa: (jumping to her feet) What do you mean? What the hell are you talking about?!

Irvine: (running over) Ooh! Chick fight! I got ten gil on Quistis!

Seifer: I got ten gil on Quistis too!

Rinoa: What about me? Who's going to bet on me? SQUALL!

Squall: (rolling his eyes) Fine. I bet three gil on Rinoa.

(Quistis lunged at Rinoa and grabbed her by the hair. Rinoa tried to claw the other girl but Quistis knees her in the stomach. The blond girl jumps back and eyes Rinoa warily.)

Quistis: Aren't you going to use your sorceress powers on me? Ha! I bet you don't even know how.

Rinoa: (wheezing) I...do...too!

Seifer: Prove it, Rinoa. Set Quistis' hair on fire.

Quistis: Yeah Rinoa! Set my hair on fire!

(Rinoa's face scrunches up as she tries to concentrate, suddenly a small flame appears on one finger and when she tries to throw it at Quistis but it ran up her arm and set her bikini top on fire. She shrieks and jumps into the pool.)

Seifer: You owe both me and the cowboy ten gil Puberty Boy.

Squall: (grumbling) Rinoa! This is coming out of your vacation fund!

Rinoa: (moaning) Ugh...

Laguna: All of our contestants are relaxing after a wonderful meal in the restaurant. In this lounge it's karaoke night and various people will get on the stage to ruin wonderful songs. First up is Zell Dincht.

(To the tune of Britney Spears' "Oops I Did it Again")

Zell: Oops! I did it again!
I choked on my meal!
Made you run away!
Oh Girl, oh Girl!

Oops I think I'm in love!
You were sent from above!
You are that innocent!

(The audience begins to boo very loudly. Zell blushes and leaves the stage. Quistis goes next.)

Quistis: This is for a special man out there in the audience. I love you.

Irvine: (shouting) I love you too!

(Lauryn Hill's "Can't Take My Eyes Off You")

Quistis: (singing sort of badly) You're just too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off of you
You'd be like heaven to touch
I wanna hold you so much
At long last love has arrived
I thank God I'm alive
You're just too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off of you.

Seifer: Stop it! You're murdering a really good song! BOO!

Rinoa: (enthusiastically) BOO! BOO! Sit down!

Squall: (joining them but trying to hide it) BOO!

(She sits down in embarrassment and Rinoa runs up there.)

Rinoa: This is for Squll! You're my one true love baby!

Squall: (slouching in his chair) Goddess did she have to say it like that?

(To the tune of R. Kelly's "Half On A Baby")

Rinoa: (even worse than Quistis) I wanna go half on your baby!
All I need is your body next to me!
I'm singin' ooh! Na na na na na. Yo body... Yo body na na na.

Seifer: (during her performance) What are you going to name the little rugrats, Puberty Boy?

Squall: (blushing slightly) Shut up Seifer. I'm not having children with Rinoa.

Seifer: Then who? Instructor Trepe? Messenger Girl? (he begins to snicker) Fujin?

Squall: (shaking his head until he got to the last name) NO!!

Rinoa: (wailing now) I WANNA GO HALF ON YOUR BABY! Squall! You better be listening!

Squall: (completely out of character) STOP! PLEASE! No one can take it anymore!

Rinoa: (stopping) Well, maybe you can't love me for my singing. That's okay, I have plenty of other things that's good about me.

(Edea sort of shyly approached the stage and took the microphone when Rinoa sat down.)

Edea: I'm not dedicating this to anyone. I just want to sing the song.

(Diana Ross' "I Will Survive")

Edea: (very good singer) First I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without you by my side
Then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along

(When the music speeds up she takes the mike from its stand and began to dance around the small stage. Everyone begins to clap along.)

And so you're back! From outer space!
I just walked in to find you here, with that sad look upon your face!
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for one second that you'd be back to bother me

Go on now, go -- walk out the door
Just turn around now
Cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye
Did you think I'd crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and die?

(Everyone joins in.)

Oh no not I! I will survive!
For as long as I know how to love, I'll know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to life
And I've got all my love to give
I'll surive.
I will survive.
Hey, hey!

(Everyone begins to clap and whistle and Edea gets a standing ovation.)

Edea: (smiling happily) Thank you, thank you.

(Scene: The cabins. Everyone is just about to head to their cabins for the night. Squall and Rinoa are sharing, Fujin and Raijin are sharing, Edea and Cid are sharing, Xu and Nida are sharing, Ward and Kiros are sharing, Irvine and Selphie are sharing, Quistis is stuck with Zell, the girl from the library is stuck with Seifer, and Laguna has a private room. There are four cabins on one side of the hall and four on the other. Laguna's is in another section.)

Rinoa: (fake yawning) I'm so tired! Are you ready to go to bed, Squall?

Squall: (mumbling and half listening) Just a minute... (he places down another card and flips over two of Xu's therefore winning the game)

Rinoa: Are you going to play Triple Triad all night?

Squall: (blinking as if coming out of a trance) This isn't Triple Triad, it's Tetra Master. You know that new collectable card came that *looks* like Triple Triad but isn't?

Rinoa: I don't even care.

Xu: So are you going to keep playing cards with me or go screw Rinoa?

Squall: Define 'screw'.

Xu: Screw as in 'sleep with'. You know that's what she's been trying to do with you this whole entire day. The flirting, the song dedication...

Squall: Really? I just thought she was really, really tired.

Rinoa: Hello! I'm still here!

Squall: (sighing) That you are. Look Rinoa, I don't want to have your children. I'm eighteen for Goddess' sake! I haven't even begun to plan my future. I just thought I'll be doing the same exact thing that I'm doing now.

Rinoa: (sarcastically) Playing a card game?

Squall: (as if speaking to an idiot) No, Rinoa. Being the Commander of Balamb Garden. The job pays very well.

Rinoa: (in a warning tone) I'll go and hook up with Seifer...

Squall: (hopeful) Really? You promise?

Rinoa: (stomping off down the hall) ARGH!

Squall: (shouting after her) Make sure you tell Seifer I said hi!

(Scene: Laguna's cabin where he has set up a small studio. Kiros is in his room off screen while Ward is filming it.)

Laguna: And so ends the first day for our contestants. Who will be in a relationship when the show ends? Make your guess in the review box below. And remember:

All (Ward's *thinking* it...): There's a thin line between love and an ass whoopin'!

Laguna: See ya later!

Additional Disclaimer:

Final Fantasy VIII belongs to Squaresoft.
Love Cruise: The Maiden Voyage belongs to whoever produced it.
"Oops I Did it Again" is copyright Britney Spears.
"Can't Take My Eyes Off You" is copyright Lauryn Hill.
"I Will Survive" is copyright Diana Ross.