Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.
Note: This is what I ended After These Messages for. I hope it's funny. Some shows are multi-episode like the news, the cooking show, and the soap opera.
Warnings: Extreme stupidity. Alternate universes for all. Crap loads of Japanese. If you've got anime, then you've got Japanese. Click here for translations. Oh and one more thing: shounen ai for GW!
Anime TV
(Part 1)
Cooking With Akane, Episode 1 (Ranma 1/2)
(Akane and Ranma are standing behind a table in what appears to be the middle of a kitchen. The Tendo girl has on an apron that reads 'Don't Harass the Cook' along with a white chef's hat and Ranma has on his standard red and black Chinese outfit.)
Akane: (smiling) Hello everyone! Today I am going to show you the proper way to make an easy pineapple upside down cake with my (cough) 'lovely' assistant Ranma Saotome. Say hello Ranma.
Ranma: (grinning) Hello Ranma!
Akane: (rolling her eyes) Whatever. So, first we start with a nice box of yellow cake mix. (Ranma hands her the box. She tears off the top and dumps it into the large mixing bowl in front of her.)
Ranma: Um, Akane?
Akane: (turning to him) What is it?
Ranma: You have to open the inside package. Look. (he points to where the entire, still packaged cake mix is inside the mixing bowl)
Akane: (blushing slightly) Er, right. (She rips open the package rather savagely and cake mix goes flying everywhere.)
Ranma: (brushing cake mix out of his hair) What's next Akane?
Akane: One cup of light brown sugar! (She grabs something without looking and it turns out to be white sugar. She measures out one cup and dumps it too into the bowl.)
Ranma: (eyes wide) Akane!
Akane: (growling) What is it Ranma? (she turns towards him, knocking a bottle of vinegar into the bowl as well)
Ranma: (looking at her face) Um, nothing. (when she turns away, he rights the bottle onto the table)
Akane: (now smiling again) Next is one stick of either butter or margarine. Doesn't matter! (frowning at the bowl, she adds an additional stick) That can't be nearly enough. (By this time, Ranma is backing away slowly trying to escape before he has to taste test her cake when it's done. Akane catches him and drags him back to the table.)
Ranma: (with a panicked look on his face) I don't wanna die!
Akane: (not hearing him) Now for our key ingredient, pineapple! Only one can of pineapple is needed. (she dumps it in too) Ranma, the hand mixer please. (gulping he handed it to her)
(Akane turns the mixer on high and lowers it into the bowl. Batter goes flying everywhere around the 'kitchen'. Soon it was all mixed into a off-white substance with chunks of pineapple floating in it and she pours it all into a pan and shoves it into the oven on 475°F for an hour.)
One hour later....
Akane: (cutting a large piece of really dark, lumpy cake and placing it into the plate) C'mon Ranma, I want you to be the first to have some!
Ranma: (shaking his head) No that's okay! How about you eat a piece?
Akane: (growling) RANMA! EAT SOME NOW! (Ranma, giving in, takes one tiny little part of her cake and stuffs it into his mouth.) Swallow, Ranma.
Ranma: (shaking his head again) No.
Akane: SWALLOW, Ranma. (Again he shakes his head. She moves over to the sink where she fills a glass full of cold water.) Swallow or everyone in tv land gets to see your secret. (His eyes widened for the second time that day and he swallows quickly. Akane smiles.) Go ahead, eat the rest.
Ranma: (begging) Oh please Akane! Don't make me eat anymore! (She merely raised the glass of water over his head and tilts it a litte. Ranma tenses up and eats the piece of pineapple upside down cake as fast as he could. His eyes roll back into his head and he passes out onto the floor.)
Akane: Ranma? (she bends down) Ranma? Are you okay? (seeing that he clearly wasn't, she jumps to her feet) Someone call 911 and maybe the poison control center!
Who Wants to Lose Their Life? (Dragon Ball)
(A studio appears and it's set up exactly like the set of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?". Instead of Regis in the chair on the right, Vegeta sits in a incredibly neat black suit.)
Announcer guy: Welcome to the gameshow that will change your life, Who Wants to Loose Their Life?, hosted by Vegeta-ouji!
(Vegeta briefly inclines his head)
Announcer guy: And here's our first contestant, Krillin!
(Krillin nervously steps onto the platform and takes a seat across from Vegeta)
Vegeta: Tell the audience a little about yourself, midget man.
Krillin: (intimidated by Vegeta's staring) Um, I'm married to a wonderful woman named Juuhachi-gou and I have a daughter named Marron.
Vegeta: (shuffling some index cards) Are you ready for the first question?
Krillin: (nodding) Yes.
Vegeta: If you answer all of them correctly, you win fabulous prizes and a chance to live. You must be pretty desperate to come on a show like this. Anyway, question number one: Who is the strongest fighter in the universe? A: Kakarotto, B: Piccolo, C: Gohan, or D: Vegeta.
Krillin: (without hesitation) My answer is, A: Gok- er Kakarotto.
Vegeta: (glaring at him) Is that your final answer?
(Something tells Krillin that he shouldn't say yes)
Krillin: No! My answer is D: Vegeta!
Vegeta: Is that your-
Krillin: (interrupting) Of course it is! Hai!
Vegeta: (extremely angry) DON'T *EVER* INTERRUPT ME AGAIN!
Krillin: (meek) Hai, sir.
Vegeta: (turning to smile dazzingly at the camera) Krillin is correct! I am the strongest fighter in the universe.
Voice: (off from the left) No you are not!
(The camera pans and focuses on an enraged ChiChi)
ChiChi: My Goku is the strongest fighter in the universe not this evil baka!
Vegeta: (not believing what he just heard) Did you just call me a baka?
ChiChi: (completely unafraid) Of course I did! Taking away my family's glory. Just like Satan-san!
Vegeta: (jumping to his feet) I am *nothing* like that pathetic ningen!
ChiChi: Keep telling yourself that shorty!
Vegeta: (growling) That's it! You get to die onna! (He gathered a large ball of yellow ki into his palm and hurled it ChiChi. It connected and when the smoke cleared, a *very* charred Krillin was lying there groaning and near death.)
ChiChi: (kneeling beside him) What did you do that for? I didn't even think you liked me.
Krillin: (weakly) I don't. It's just that Juu-chan said she would kill me if I didn't win the money. And it would take a lot longer than Vegeta's blast.
Juuhachi-gou: (from the audience) You're damn right.
ChiChi: (yelling) Someone call Goku! We're gonna have to send him to Namek-sei and use their dragonballs. (no one moved) Did I stutter? (becoming really angry) NOW!
Announcer: (in a rush) Who Wants to Lose Their Life? is brought to you in part by Dende, Chikyuu's kami. 'If you've got death, then you need dragonballs.'
Good Morning Chikyuu!, Episode 1 (Various)
(A desk is in the center of the room with two large, potted plants on either side of it. Teenage Gohan is sitting behind it with an outfit not unlike the one ChiChi sent him to Namek-sei in as old as he is. He realizes the camera is on him so a big smile spreads across his face.)
Gohan: Good Morning Chikyuu! I'm your anchorboy Son Gohan. Today is our first episode and-- (he's cut off by the phone ringing) What is going on? This isn't a call-in show! (the call is taken anyway and the voice is very familiar)
ChiChi: Hi Gohan-chan!
Gohan: (blushing) Kaasan!
ChiChi: How is my little boy doing on his first show? Did you remember to take your medicine this morning? The doctor said that it was the only way your rash was going to clear up.
Gohan: (blushing brighter) Cut the call!
ChiChi: (screaming) Don't you hang up on me! Gohan- (the call was cut)
Gohan: (quickly changing the subject) On our first show we're going to start with a little on-the-spot reporting. How's it going out there Ryouga?
(The view switches to a dense forest and Ryouga is there holding the mike. Of course the words at the bottom of the screen say Ryouga Hibiki, Lost Boy.)
Ryouga: Um, hello Gohan. It's fine, I guess. (he looked around as if seeing the area for the first time)
Gohan's Voice: (slightly impatient) What's the story?
Ryouga: (becoming suddenly professional) Well, I was going to the site where they had recently signed a peace treaty in France.
Gohan's Voice: What happened?
Ryouga: (sheepish) I got lost. But I told you about my curse when you hired me! I told you that I probably wouldn't reach my destination and it would take me a couple of weeks to get home. I have the worst sense of direction in the world!
Gohan's Voice: Fine Ryouga. Next time I'll send someone with you. Maybe Ranma when he gets out of the hospital.
Ryouga: What happened to Saotome?
Gohan's Voice: Akane's cooking happened. You do remember that her show was starting here today too?
Ryouga: (shuddering at the mere mention of her food) I remember now.
Gohan's Voice: Good! Then you're going to have to fill in for him tomorrow. She's asking for you.
Ryouga: (torn between helping his love and saving his life) Um...
Gohan's Voice: Do you have anything to report to us?
Ryouga: I don't know where the hell I am! How am I supposed to- (he's cut off by loud yelling and several Chinese Amazons surround both him and the cameraperson)
Amazon #1: You in Chinese Amazon territory! Men no wanted in Amazon territory!
Amazon #2: You must die now!
Ryouga: (screaming and running away) SOMEONE HELP ME!
Gohan: (back in the studio) We'll be back next time with more Ryouga Hibiki, the Lost Boy. Now here's Shampoo with the weather.
(Shampoo is peering at the blue screen where a map of the world is projected. She turns her head to both the left and the right and shrugs.)
Shampoo: Today Shampoo say it going to be sunny in Africa! (she sticks a large sun over the entire continent) Sorry people in desert, still no rain for you. In Japan it stay nice and comfortable all day long. No snow, no rain, no nothing. Temperatures should stay in mid-seventies. But people in west Europe have it bad! (she sticks large, gray clouds over the entire area) It rain and rain and rain. United Kingdom have it worst. But lucky people in north have plenty snow. Nice for skiing. That all for Shampoo weather report. (she waves) Have nice day!
Gohan: In sports, here's my tousan covering the big martial arts tournament on Battle Island. Tousan?
(camera switches to Goku)
Goku: (grinning) Hi everybody! Nice day for a battle, isn't it? Well, over two-hundred people entered but only fourteen made it to the semi-finals. (his grin grew wider) Me included. Not to sound conceited or anything, but I won the adult division. Trunks won the junior one.
Goten: (jumping up to be seen in the camera) He cheated! Trunks-chan cheated!
Goku: (patting him on the head) I'm sure he did. He's Vegeta's son, remember?
Trunks' Voice: I *did not* cheat Goku-san! I'm just stronger than the little baka.
Goten's Voice: Who are you callin' a baka, bastard?
Goku: (raising his voice) Kids! (both shut up) Basically, that's all I have to report. It was a great tournament, everyone had fun-
Goten and Trunks: (in unison) Not us!
Goku: (ignoring them) Mr. Satan was actually able to give out the prize money this time. Juuhachi-gou's threat from three years ago really affected him. That's all I have to say, back to you Gohan!
Gohan: (once again in the studio) Domo arigatou, Tousan. That's all for this edition of Good Morning Chikyuu! I'm your host, Son Gohan. Ja ne!
ChiChi: (screaming just off-stage) No I *will not* leave! My son disrespected me! It's time for his punishment!
(Gohan jumped to his feet and disappeared off camera. ChiChi is shown, her face twisted in rage, before the camera is turned off.)
One War to Win, Episode 1 (Gundam Wing)
(All five Gundam Pilots are lying low on a mission waiting for OZ to come by. Loud rock music plays and Duo is laughing manically in the background. The sounds from Deathscythe is coming through everyone's com and driving them all insane. Heero is very tempted to cover his ears but then he couldn't pilot Wing. So he settled for the next best thing...)
Heero: Duo, if you don't shut that damn music off omae o korosu!
Duo: (still laughing) I love ya too Hee-chan!
Quatre: (sounding strained) Seriously Duo, I agree with him. We already have to hear you scream and curse the poor men and women of OZ who fight us and die, music is a hundred times worse."
Duo: Let's clear up one thing, Qua-chan. Those OZ bastards ask for it! When they see us comin' do they turn tail and run? Iie! They stand there like idiots when they know we outclass those crappy Aries and Leo mobile suits any day of the week.
Wufei: What about Tallgeese?
Duo: Tallgeese, shmall-geese. Zechs Merquise is a good pilot but *no one* is better than Shinigami.
Heero: And the Perfect Soldier.
Wufei: Don't forget the Dragon.
Quatre: (not wanting to be left out) And the Desert Prince!
Duo: (snorting with laughter) Desert Prince?!
Quatre: (somewhat embarrassed) Well, yeah...
Heero: (slightly amused) It makes you seem like you belong in a fairy tale.
Trowa: (almost inaudibly) I think it suits him well, Heero.
(Quatre's face on the monior is beaming)
Quatre: Why thank you Trowa. You see, at least someone likes it.
Duo: He has to say that, Quatre. He's your 'special friend'.
Quatre: (blushing) Um...
(Suddenly Heero shushes them as he locates something on radar)
Heero: I've spotted twenty Leos and fifteen Aries coming this way, Quatre.
(The blond remained silent.)
Heero: Quatre!
Quatre: (blinking) Oh yeah! I'm the strategist, aren't I? (everyone sweatdrops) Heero, you and Duo go off in front. Duo loves killing them so you two can handle most of it. Wufei, you go left to catch the ones that try to veer off. I'll take the right side and Trowa can circle around and come at them from behind. Love, please only shoot when *absolutely* necessary. We don't want you running out of ammo.
Trowa: ...
Duo: Listen, Tro, the next time we see Howard you need to ask for a weapons upgrade. You *always* run out of ammo in the middle of the battle. One gundaniam alloy sword is not going to do anything. And since you don't use the beam sabre...
Quatre: (commanding) Trowa! Use the damn sabre!
Trowa: (emotionless) It's for emergencies only.
Heero: Trowa, I think if ten suits are coming at you and you have no more ammo that it qualifies for an emergency.
(A few seconds later the mobile suits are upon then and Duo is cackling in manic glee.)
Duo: SHINIGAMI HAS COME TO TAKE YOU ALL TO HELL!
Everyone else: Duo shut the hell up!
Duo: (not hearing them over his own crazed laughter) MWHAHAHAHAHA!
(Ten minutes later OZ was completely destroyed and the Gundams were making their way back to their hiding place so they could go back to school. Duo is singing at the top of his voice to music and Heero is muttering curses underneath his breath.)
Duo: (to Smashmouth) Hey now,
you're an all star. Get your game on. Go play!
Hey now, you're a rock star. Get you show on, get paid.
All that glitters is gold! Only super stars break the mold!
Heero: When we get back to the school, omae o korosu!
Duo: (gulping) Eeep!
Narrator: Will Heero really murder Duo and hack his body into
itty bitty pieces?
Duo: Hey!
Narrator: Or will love prevail and he just punish Duo by sleeping in a different bed for an entire week?
Duo: (wailing) Noooooooo!
Narrator: Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of One War to Win.
Capsule Corp., Episode 1 (Dragon Ball)
(Scene opens onto many cubicles and Piccolo is on the phone. Yamcha walks towards his desk and takes a seat just as Piccolo reaches the end of his call.)
Piccolo: No you do not get a free trip to Mexico for switching your damn long-distance carrier! I don't care if it's Spring Break! (he slams down the phone and folds his arms across his chest.)
Yamcha: How are you doing today, Piccolo?
Piccolo: (glaring at him) What does it look like?
(Goku enters the room with a bright smile on his face. He's dressed in a black designer suit and is carrying a briefcase.)
Goku: (cheerfully) Good morning everyone!
Everyone in the room: (dully) Good morning, Son-san.
Goku: And how is everyone doing today?
Everyone: Fine, Son-san.
ChiChi: (dressed in gray business suit and holding and black leather datebook) Goku, you have a ten o'clock with the president of Winner Enterprises Incorporated. It's at the Rose Room.
Goku: (laughing) That Quatre is always entertaining. (they exit into a hallway and walk to Goku's office)
Piccolo: (grumbling) What a bastard.
Yamcha: (agreeing) You're telling me. He's always so happy because he has an office and makes more money than we do. (he randomly picks a name from his list and dials the phone)
Yamcha: Hello, ma'am. Do you want a Capsule Corp. credit card?
Mirai Trunks: (panting as he exits the elevator) I'm late! Oh kami. Is Son-san here yet?
(Piccolo and Yamcha exchange looks and then smirk.)
Piccolo: No Trunks, you beat him here for once.
Trunks: (sighing in relief and sitting at his cubicle next to Piccolo) I am so glad. I went to this wild party last night and didn't get home until three this morning.
Goku: (walking through the cubicles again while talking to ChiChi) Honey, can't you push that back until Friday?
ChiChi: For the last time no, Goku! You have to get this done by *Thursday* or the contract will expire.
(Trunks looks shocked and then he glares at Piccolo and Yamcha who are silently laughing. Goku pauses at Trunks' cubicle and shakes his head.)
Goku: This is the third time this week you've been late, Trunks. I'm going to have to request that you see Vegeta-san (the older one) this afternoon.
Trunks: (eyes wide with horror) No not him! I'll do anything, Goku-san!
Goku: (considering it) Well...
ChiChi: (firmly) No, Goku.
Goku: But-
ChiChi: No.
(They walk to the elevator and leave for the lobby.)
Yamcha: You're really home alone? (pause) Your husband's out of town? (pause) Fax me some pictures! The number is...
(Ten seconds later Yamcha drops the phone and runs over to the fax machine across the room. Piccolo, Trunks, and a few more male workers crowd around him. The first picture comes off and it shows a blue-haired woman with a smile on her face wearing a pink tubetop and black short-shorts.)
Trunks: She's hot, man!
Yamcha: Yeah!
(Then a second picture comes out and it's an 'after the clothes are gone' photo. Yamcha's eyes widen and he runs back to the phone.)
Yamcha: Give me your address and I'll be right over. What? You want a pic of me? (he digs in his wallet and hands one to Trunks) Go do this for me man and I'll owe you a big one. Can you also cover for me?
Trunks: (nodding) Sure thing. (he writes down her fax number and quickly sends the picture)
Yamcha: You think I'm hot? Arigatou! Give me ten minutes and I'll be right there, Lunch. Okay bye. (he hangs up the phone, grabs his coat, and begins to sing) Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight! Get down tonight!
Trunks: (calling to him) See if she has a sister for me Yamcha!
Yamcha: Sure. See ya guys. (the elevator doors begin to close) I have things to do.
(Vegeta (the younger) rushes into the room and seeks out Krillin. He's wearing an ugly green plaid shirt with a striped burgundy tie.)
Vegeta: Ms. Briefs needs your report on her desk in three minutes or you're fired. If I don't get back in three minutes, *I'm* fired.
Krillin: (sighing and pressing print on his computer) That woman is evil.
Vegeta: I know but I can't do anything about her.
Piccolo: Vegeta what does she look like?
Vegeta (shrugging) I have no idea. When people give me their stuff, I slide it though the slot in her door.
Trunks: But your father is so high up the corporate ladder, you should have seen her before!
Vegeta: *Tousan* hasn't seen her either.
Krillin: (handing him four pages of work) What is your official job anyway?
Vegeta: (proudly) I'm her personal assistant!
Piccolo: (laughing) In other words you're a glorified errand boy.
Vegeta: (furious) SHUT UP! YOU DON'T KNOW ME!
Piccolo: I don't *want* to know an errand boy. (his phone rings as Vegeta stomps off in a huff) Moshi moshi? (pauses) I got the job? Really? (he faces breaks out into a huge smile) I got the job! Domo arigatou! (he hangs up the phone and jumps to his feet) I got the job! I get to leave this Hell Hole! I got an office with a view of the harbor! I make more money! I got another job! (he grabs a box and begins to pile his personal stuff in it) See you losers in Hell!
Trunks: (irritated) Not if I see you first! (blinks) What did I just say?
That's all for this edition of Anime TV. See you next time for a new one-episoder and more from the continuing shows.