Well, this has been fun to write since 2000 but this will have to be the last one. It's only because I am seriously running out of funny commercials to parodize. Can't use the local ones, you guys wouldn't know what the heck I was talking about.

Fandoms in this one include Dragon Ball (as if I wasn't going to use it), Gundam Wing, Ranma 1/2, Tenchi Muyo!, Outlaw Star, and more!

After These Messages - 6!

1-800-CALL-ATT (Dragon Ball)

(A pretty blond woman walks to a payphone on the corner of a busy street. She puts in the correct change and begins to press zero...)

Voice: Hold it right there!

(The woman turns around and sees no one.)

Woman: I must be loosing it.

Voice: Hey! Up here!

Woman: (looking and blinking in confusion) Did some kid leave their troll doll up here on top of the phone?

Vegeta: (glaring at her) I'm not nearly ugly enough to be a troll. Listen onna, don't you dare push zero to call collect.

Woman: And why not?

Vegeta: Dialing 1-800-CALL-ATT will save you a buck or two. Try it. Just dial right down the center.

Woman: (shrugging and following his directions) Arigatou! With the money I saved I can get something to eat. You wanna come?

(Vegeta nods his head and suddenly an identically tiny Bulma pops into existence and grabs Vegeta by the ear.)

Bulma: Oh no you don't!

Vegeta: (smiling with fake sweetness) I was just kidding honey bun.

(They disappear and words appear onto the screen.)

1-800-CALL-ATT: Save a buck or two.

 

Preparation H (Gundam Wing)

(A man walks into a fast food restaurant and goes up to the counter. He looks up at the signs for a moment and then beging to order.)

Duo: (smiling) Can I help you sir?

Man: I want a bacon double cheese burger with no lettuce, large fries, and a large chocolate shake.

(Duo is squirming constantly as he gets the man's food. First he gets his shake and scoops his fries into their paper container. Then he began to make his burger. After a while his squirming gets so bad that he stops what he's doing to scratch his butt. Then he puts the on top bun with the very same hand that was just scratching his behind, puts the paper around the burger, and puts it into the bag with the customer's fries. The man who had just ordered looked at him in horror since you can see everything that goes on behind the counter.)

Man: What did you just do?!

Duo: (confused) What do ya mean?

Man: (disgusted) You just scratched your prosterior before you touched my food!

Duo: Well, hai. But it's because it's been killin' me lately. I have no idea what's wrong. If it isn't itching, it's burning.

Man: Can I speak to your manager? Where is your manager?

Manager: Sir? What's wrong?

Man: You're employee here touched his prosterior and then touched my food. He isn't even wearing gloves!

Manager: Duo, what have I told you about scratching your ass during working hours?

Duo: (thoroughly embarrassed) Sir, I swear I wasn't doing it! Who are you going to believe? Your faithful employee of three years or a stranger?

Manager: Well...

(Duo begins to squirm again and he tries to ignore it. Finally he can't take it anymore and scratches frantically.)

Manager: (just as disgusted as the customer) Duo! You're fired!

Announcer: You should have used Preparation H. Rated number one by all Fast Food Restaurant employees!

 

Minute Maid (Ranma 1/2)

Genma: Morning everyone! (He walked into the dining room in an apron and smiled hugely. Everyone just looked at him listlessly. Even Kasumi.)

Ranma: Hi Pop.

Kasumi: Good morning Saotome-san.

(Genma smiled again and left the room. Then he returned with a huge pot of rice.)

Akane: What's that?

Nabiki: It's rice Akane. Or don't you remember? (Her sister glares at her.)

Genma: I've cooked breakfast, Akane. I thought that I should do something nice for everyone since Ranma and I have been staying here for quite some time. (he left again and returned with a few more dishes)

Ranma: (calling to him) Pop? Are you feeling okay?

Genma: (returning again this time with a feather duster) Perfectly fine! Now, I have to get started on the cleaning.

Kasumi: That's so nice of you Saotome-san!

Happosai: (while eating) I think he's up to something. (Both Ranma and Akane hit him for that comment.)

Ranma: (finishing his breakfast in a hurry) Whatever's going on, I'm going to take advantage of it. Pop! I need some money for lunch today!

(The scene slowly fades out and then refocuses on a single carton of orange juice in the Tendo's kitchen.)

Announcer: It looks like someone had their Minute Maid today!

 

Orkin (Tenchi Muyo!)

(Ayeka is humming as she vacuums underneath the couch in Tenchi's living room. The vacuum bumps into something repeatedly and she turns it off to look under the couch.)

Ayeka: What's this? (She pulls out a plate with a half-eaten sanwhich on it. Then she noticed something else on it and screams.) ROACHES!

(Sasami, Ryoko, and Tenchi come running.)

Tenchi: What's wrong Ayeka?

Ayeka: (now over her startlement) Who put this under the couch? Look at it, now there's roaches all over the living room!

Ryoko: (blinking) Oh! That's where that went! (Everyone turns to look at her.) What?

Tenchi: Ryoko, what have we been telling you about taking your dishes into the kitchen. (He picks up the plate gingerly and goes toward the kitchen. Everyone follows.)

Ryoko: (in mock innocence) That I should do it?

(Everyone begans to shout at her at once and she began to explain herself to everyone. Washu's door opens and she pokes her head out.)

Washu: What is going on up here? I can't even get any work done!

Sasami: Little Washu, Ryoko left food in the living room and now we have roaches. (she frowned at the space pirate)

Washu: Is that all? I can clear this up right away! (She disappears into her lab for a minute and pops out with the oddest looking machine.) This is my brand new invention The Pest Eliminator!

(Washu's invention was belching steam and making a loud rumbling noise. Suddenly there was a loud sound, like a car backfiring, but that was all.)

Mihoshi: (Entering the room and rubbing her eyes. Still sleepy from her nap.) What's going on guys? Did something blow up again?

Tenchi: (dryly) No, but something's about to.

Washu: Don't say that! All of the roaches will be dead in five minutes. Count on it!

Tenchi: (sighing as he went to find the phone book) I'd rather not. (He found it behind a plant and took it to the kitchen. Sasami followed him to finish fixing dinner. As soon as he exited the room, the machine exploded leaving Washu, Ryoko, Mihoshi, and Ayeka a little charred. The living room was also destroyed.)

Announcer: You should have called the Orkin Man.

 

Hawking and Starwind Enterprises (Outlaw Star)

Gene: (smiling at the camera) My name is Gene Starwind.

Jim: (popping up in front of Gene) And I'm Jim Hawking!

Gene: And we are...

Gene and Jim: (at the same time) Starwind and Hawking Enterprises! Hawking and Starwind Enterprises! (they both look at each other and glare)

Jim: My name goes first. *I'm* the genius here!

Gene: Well I'm older. So *my* name goes first little boy!

(They both realize what they're doing and laugh nervously.)

Gene: (clearing his throat) Um anyway, no job is too big!

Jim: And no job is too small!

Gene: We'll take care of it quick!

Jim: (frowning as he said his line) Or don't take care of it at all?

Gene: We do exterminations, negotiations, catering, space ship traveling, bodyguard work.

Jim: Baby-sitting!

Gene: (frowning) That's your department. Anyway, we do it all. So call 1-800-Hawking!

Jim: Ladies! Did I forget to mention that Gene here will also escort you?

Gene: (smacking him lightly on the head) No, I won't.

Jim: Yes you will. It's on the flyers we handed out.

Gene: (confused) But I thought Aisha printed them up.... AISHA! (Gene ran off camera trying to find the Ctarl-Ctarl.)

Jim: (smiling at the camera once again and hope that their *live* television commercial would be taken seriously) So *please* call us. Okay?

 

Bishounen Detector (Assorted Anime)

Shayla-Shayla: (holding a microphone) Konichi-wa! My name's Shayla-Shayla and I'm a wonderful fire priestess from the planet of El Hazard. Today we will show all you girls out there a wonderful new product called the bishonen detecter. It's a small device (she holds up something the size of a briefcase) that beeps whenever you're close to a cute guy. Now, let's try a little test shall we?

(Several guys stand at attention in a line. Shayla-Shayla stops in front of the first one on the left and holds a small rod that attached to the bishounen detector by a long wire.)

Shayla-Shayla: First we have Gurio Umino (that's Melvin to the dub people). He loves science and is currenly involved with Naru Osaka (Molly). (She holds the rod above his head and nothing happens. Not even a single beep.) As you can see, the bishounen detector doesn't even respond. This boy is a complete nerd.

Gurio: (crying) Naru-chan doesn't think so!

Shayla-Shayla: (shrugging) To each her own. Anyway, next in line is Touya Kinomoto. He's Sakura Kinomoto's older brother and Yukito Tsukishiro's best-friend. (She holds the rod above Touya's head. It beeps slowly like a heart monitor.) The Detector rates this boy as moderately cute.

(Touya doesn't even say anything except stare at her. Shayla moves on to the next person in the line.)

Shayla-Shayla: Now on to Mousse! He's an Amazon boy from China and is currently chasing after Shampoo and rivaling Ranma Saotome for her affection.

Mousse: (pushing up his glasses) Shampoo! (he grabs Shayla in a rib crushing hug)

Shayla-Shayla: (getting pissed and using her the Lamp of Fire) Let me go now! (Then she smiled sweetly and held the rod over the charred boy's head. It makes a semi-rapid beep-beep-beep sound.) Without his glasses, Mousse is one cute bishounen. With his glasses (she pulls them back over his eyes) he looks like a bug. Almost as bad as Gurio.

Mousse: I resent that!

Shayla-Shayla: Now, for our final bishounen. This is Duo Maxwell. (Duo grins widely and does a little twirl to show himself off.) He's a Gundam Pilot and his gundam is Deathscythe. (She holds the rod above his head. The thing goes crazy, beeping all over the place. Then the beeping dies and smoke floats up from the device.)

Duo: (taking the microphone from Shayla's hand) You see that? Too much sexiness can hurt somebody!

Shayla-Shayla: (she snatches it back from him) While extremely hot, modesty is not his forté. Now ladies, are you convinced that our product works? I know it looks bad now, (she held up the still smoking Detector) but us here at Bishounen Corp. are going to improve it so that when the steal-you-breath-away guys come along, this won't happen. (her smile became strained as she turned around to the still lined up boys) Move it! Leave the set! (they all filed out one-by-one) Our motto here at Bishounen Corp. is "If you can't find a bishounen then you're not looking hard enough!"

 

So, how was the series finale of After These Messages? Was it funny? I'm going to work on something similar to this but about television shows. I had a lot of ideas for those lately. But anyway, comments are what keep an author going!