Disclaimer: I don't own Veggie-chan. I don't own Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven" (adapted slightly to fit my fanfic). In fact, I don't own much of anything. So there!

Warning: Very, very, *very* OOC Vegeta. You have been warned!

Author's Note: All the text in bold (and between tildes) are my little author's comments. You can skip them at your leisure. The italicized text (and the stuff between double asterisks) is the lines of the poem. This was also written in December 2001 and I completely forgot about it until recently.

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Vegeta and the Raven
(part one of "DBZ Does the Classics")

**Once upon a midnight dreary, while he pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore --**

Vegeta held a huge book in his hands as he sat in an armchair. Every so often he would flip a page, rub his eyes, and yawn.

**While he nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at his chamber door.**

His head fell slightly and he jerked completely away. As it did it again, this loud noise rang in through the room.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

"What the hell?!" He dropped the thick book onto the floor in startlement.

**" 'Tis some visitor," he muttered, "tapping at my chamber door --
Only this and nothing more."**

**Ah, distinctly he remembered it was in the bleak December;
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly he wished the morrow -- vainly he had sought to borrow
From his books of surcease sorrow -- sorrow for the lost Lenore --**

"Wait a minute," he said suddenly. "Who's Lenore? I never knew a Lenore!"

~~There's a Lenore, so shut up!~~

"Fine, fine. There's a Lenore person that I've never heard of. Calm down already!"

**For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore --
Nameless here forevermore.**

"Bulma was never 'rare' or 'radiant'," he snorted. "By the way, WHO'S LENORE?!"

**And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of each purple curtain**

"Purple curtains? Who has *purple* curtains?!" he asked incredulously. Then he blinked and lowered his voice. "Are they royal purple?"

~~Hai, they're royal purple. Are you happy now?~~

He nodded with a grin while rubbing his hand along his 'royal purple' curtain. "I sure am!"

**Thrilled him -- filled him with fantastic terrors never felt before:
So that now , to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating**

His eyes widened and he looked around in fear. "Why am I scared? There's nothing to be scared of!" A shadow moved and he screamed, high-pitched like a little girl. "Kami save me!"

**" 'Tis some visitor, entreating entrance at my chamber door --
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door --
That it is and nothing more."**

"Yep, that's what it is. Just some stupid ass person bothering me late at night. Not the boogie man or Jason or an undead Furiza."

**Presently his soul grew stronger : hesitating then no longer,
"Sir, " he said, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore:
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,**

"Who's putting these words into my mouth? That knock wasn't gentle. It was like the police had come to raid me. Probably woke half the neighborhood!"

**And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you" -- here he opened wide the door --
Darkness there and nothing more.**

He squeaked and backed away slightly. "There's no one outside, but someone was pounding on my door! Who's there?!"

**Deep into the darkness peering, long he stood there wondering, fearing.
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.**

"Who's there?" Silence. "Are you invisible?" Silence. "Am I going crazy?!" Again, silence. As if someone was going to talk back. "Someone please answer me!"

**But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, "Lenore?"
This he whispered, and an echo murmured back the word "Lenore!" --
Merely this and nothing more.**

"It *is* Lenore!" He sighed in relief. "Finally, I get to meet her!"

**Back into the chamber turning, all his soul within him burning,
Soon again he heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.**

"How can anything be louder than before? Is Lenore *kicking* the door now?"

**"Surely," he said, "surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore --
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore --
'Tis the wind and nothing more!"**

He frowned at his words. "How could this be the wind? It sounds like someone's trying to knock the damn house down! I can't even understand half of what I'm saying."

~~It's Poe. Like Shakespeare, you're not supposed to understand.~~

"Then why use it?" he asked in confusion.

~~Because the poem's interesting.~~

"Oh."

**Open here he flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately Raven of the saintly days of yore;**

Here comes a bird that has Goku's head and a raven's body and beak. He's actually pretty scary to look at. Vegeta blinked and then blinked again, rubbing his eyes in-between.

"I'm tired. Yeah, that's it. My eyes are playing tricks on me."

**Not the least obeisance made he,: not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above his chamber door --
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above his chamber door --
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.**

He fluttered up to the bust of Pallas and instantly began to caw. "Hi Vegeta! How ya doin'?"

~~Perched, and sat, and NOTHING MORE!~~

"Gomen nasai!" He closed his beak with a faint snap.

**Then this ebony bird beguiling his sad fancy into smiling,**

Vegeta's mouth turned up faintly at the corners but it was so stiff it was like he was afraid his face was going to crack.

**By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
"Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou," he said, "art sure no craven,
Ghastly grim and ancient Raven wandering from the Nightly shore --
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!"
Quoth the Raven,**

"Nevermore!" Goku the Raven cawed.

**Much he marveled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning -- little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door --
Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as "Nevermore."**

"Wait a minute," Vegeta said. "His name isn't Nevermore, it's Kakarotto."

"Son Goku!"

He glared at him. "You were born with Kakarotto so I will continue to call you Kakarotto."

~~Guys, please! Let me continue the poem, and *then* you can argue over Goku's name.~~

Goku chortled happily at being called 'Goku'.

**But the Raven sitting lonely on the placid bust , spoke only
That one word, as if his soul in that one word did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered, not a feather then he fluttered --
Till he scarcely more than muttered, "Other friends have flown before --
On the morrow he will leave me, as my Hopes have flown before."
Then the bird said,**

"Nevermore! Nevermore!"

~~Goku, you only say *one* nevermore. Not two, not a dozen. ONE!~~

"But they're so much fun to say!" he pouted. "It's the only line I have. Vegeta has *tons* of words."

"Words I can't even understand," he muttered.

**Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
"Doubtless," he said, "what it utters is its only stock and store
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore --
Till the dirges of his Hope that melancholy burden bore
Of 'Never -- nevermore'."**

**But the Raven still beguiling all his fancy into smiling,**

"Didn't you just go over that part before?" Vegeta asked. "I already had to smile once! Do I have to do it again?"

~~Yep, Veggie-chan. You have to do it again.~~

"Don't call me that!"

**Straight he wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird and bust and door,
Then upon the velvet sinking, he betook himself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore --
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking, "Nevermore."**

**This he sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl, whose fiery eyes now burned into his bosom's core;**

"Hold on! I'm not an onna!" He glared all around from his cushioned seat below in front of Goku the staring Raven, the bust of Pallas, and his chamber door. "I don't have a bosom!"

~~Vegeta, bakayaro, that just means your chest.~~

"Hey! Don't make me hunt you down and kill you!"

~~I'm the author. I control you!~~

Fear flashed across his face for a second before he snorted to cover it up. "Whatever."

**This and more he sat divining, with his head at ease reclining
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o'er**

Vegeta settled into the cushion with a happy sigh.

**But whose velvet-violet lining with that the lamp-light gloating o'er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!**

**Then, he thought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
"Wretch," he cried, "thy God hath lent me -- by these angels he hath sent thee
Respite -- respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore;
Quaff, oh quaff this kind of nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!"
Quoth the Raven,**

"Nevermore!"

Vegeta, frowning as usual, pulled the Ye Olde Book of Archaic English out of nowhere and began to thumb through it. "Hold on a sec. I have to look what I just said up."

Fifteen minutes later....

"Oh!" He said in realization. "The angels supposedly gave me relief from bad memories about this Lenore I have yet to meet. Okay..."

**"Prophet!" he said, "thing of evil! -- prophet still, if bird or devil! --
Whether Tempter send, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted --
On this home by Horror haunted -- tell me truly, I implore --
Is there -- is there balm in Gilead? -- tell me -- tell me, I implore!
Quoth the Raven,**

"Nevermore!" By this time Goku's little eyelids were drooping tiredly. "This poem is making me sleepy."

~~Hang on Goku! There's only three more stanzas.~~

He cocked his head to the side. "What's a stanza?"

~~Nevermind.~~

**"Prophet!" he said, "thing of evil! -- prophet still, if bird or devil!**

"Here we go again with the repetition," Vegeta grumbled. "This guy must have been nuts."

**By that Heaven that bends above us -- by that God we both adore --
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels named Lenore --
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore."**
Quoth the Raven,

"Never *yawn* more."

**"Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!" he shrieked, upstarting --**

"The Saiya-jin no Ouji DOES NOT SHRIEK LIKE A LITTLE GIRL!" he screamed.

~~For this poem I say you DO SHRIEK LIKE A LITTLE GIRL!~~

"Can we please *yawn* get this over with?" Goku asked. "I'm sleepy."

**"Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! -- quit the bust above my door
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"
Quoth the Raven,**

Silence.

**Quoth the Raven!**

Still silence. Vegeta levitated into the air slightly and poked Goku awake.

"Huh? Oh! NEVERMORE!"

~~You didn't have to shout!~~

"Gomen nasai," he apologized sheepishly.

**And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above his chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And his soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted -- nevermore!**

The light in the room brightens and Vegeta suddenly finds himself in a posh room that holds a leather couch, a fridge, and of course a big screen television set. The bathroom is through another door. Goku is standing next to him.

"Is it over?" Vegeta asked as he took a seat on the couch.

~~Yep.~~

"What is this place?" Goku looks around until his eyes spot the fridge. He rushes over to it and flings the door open with a happy grin.

~~I call this place the Fanfiction Writer's Waiting Room. There's no door to the outside so don't bother to look.~~

"Why do you call it that?" Vegeta asked. "I'm almost afraid to know."

~~You see, you're gonna wait here until the next fanfic. I'm currently trying to decide between The Tempest or Romeo and Juliet. Or should I do Cinderella? How about The Tell-Tale Heart?~~

"No more! No more!" Vegeta begged.

"I think it'll be fun Veggie-chan!" Goku said while taking a huge bite of a chicken leg.

~~Oh it will be. Just wait and see.~~